Recently a friend sent me this article on mistakes people make when choosing a life partner.
Several points Tim Urban makes about how we think about relationships struck a chord.
First, his comparison between looking for love and running a business.
‘If you’re running a business, conventional wisdom states that you’re a much more effective business owner if you study business in school, create well thought-out business plans, and analyze your business’s performance diligently. This is logical, because that’s the way you proceed when you want to do something well and minimize mistakes.’
‘But if someone went to school to learn about how to pick a life partner and take part in a healthy relationship, if they charted out a detailed plan of action to find one, and if they kept their progress organized rigorously in a spreadsheet, society says they’re A) an over-rational robot, B) way too concerned about this, and C) a huge weirdo.’
I know some people might think like this but it makes me sad. In a world where people spend tens of thousands of dollars on expensive MBA’s, the idea that people would be ashamed to talk about their need to learn relationship skills in a formal setting is truly laughable.
There is however a good reason this is a prevalent belief in our society:
‘…when it comes to dating, society frowns upon thinking too much about it, instead opting for things like relying on fate, going with your gut, and hoping for the best. If a business owner took society’s dating advice for her business, she’d probably fail, and if she succeeded, it would be partially due to good luck—and that’s how society wants us to approach dating.’
If Steve Jobs took this view I would not be writing this on a beautifully crafted Macbook Air!
The sad thing is I know so many people who are in this camp! Despite the fact that this strategy has never worked for them, they are not ready to give us this paradox of hope. They keep hoping love will just appear out of nowhere and when it happens ‘they will just know’.
So what could they do instead? What is the alternative to this eternal hope?
