Ongoing conflicts can be relationship killers.
They can also be the best opportunity for growth.
When I meet people who tell me they never argue with their partner, I imagine a relationship based on compromise and repression, and I wonder how long it will be until they reach out to get help. That’s because a healthy amount of conflict is the engine for growth.
Ultimately, I believe relationships are people-growing machines.
No other events and experiences in our lives impact our development more than how we connect with people around us.
School and formal education fill our heads with data and facts that help us survive. Parents, lovers, friends and enemies fill our hearts with emotions and teach us who we are, so hopefully we learn how to love and thrive.
When our relationships are balanced and our needs are met, life is good and we experience peace and contentment.
But often, things come up. And then, the fun and games start—the sort of fun and games that are neither fun nor frivolous. The whole future of our relationship can be at stake.
One of the most difficult skills we have to master for relationships to work is dealing with conflicts when they arise.
Many of us, especially those who grew up witnessing a lot of conflict, develop coping mechanisms to blunt the pain caused by being in the middle of a fight. These strategies become our ‘go-to’ response when facing challenging situations with our significant others.
Avoidance, compromising, competing with the other or full-on confrontation are all very common ways we approach fights. We think it’s all about winning or losing, about being right over being happy.
In reality, the only strategy that works to solve a conflict is collaboration.
It’s teaming up against the problem, as opposed to seeing each other as the problem.
How many times did I hear:
“ This is not my problem. You made this up, you fix it. I told you what to do.”
Or ‘Fine, have it your way. You win’.
Collaboration sounds like this:
“I see you are struggling with this issue. You are not alone. We are in this together so tell me more about what Is happening for you and let’s look for solutions together”.
When you are the person experiencing an issue and hear these words, something magical happens. You suddenly feel SEEN, HEARD, LOVED beyond measure. You feel that deep sense of connection and belonging that makes the relationship stronger and inspires you to find the best way out.
When you are the supporting partner, yes it can be tough. It may be difficult for you to manage your own emotions, put yourself in your partner’s shoes and see things from their point of view.
But you know what? That does not matter. What really matters is that you are there. Open to lending a hand. Not trying to tell them what to do. Not ‘fixing’ them or their problem.
But by becoming a mirror that helps them see their problem from a different angle. Offering them a new PERSPECTIVE that helps them change their PERCEPTION.
This is when GROWTH and EVOLUTION happen. Not just for them personally, but for you both.
This is when the relationship adds a new layer to its foundation so you can keep building.
Until the next issue comes up and needs dealing with.
And do you want to know the best bit?
Next time, when you are the one experiencing an issue – when you feel one of your needs is not being met – your partner may know what to do. They may also hold space for you, they may be your mirror. They may know this issue is not about them, but it is something they can help you with.
To solve ongoing conflicts, we need to get better at identifying our own barriers and being willing to drop our guard.
Overcoming ingrained defence mechanisms is not easy. They serve a purpose in our lives and keep us going.
But they have a big downside.
Each time we choose to not let something affect us, to cause us anger or pain, by avoiding the conflict or being willing to compromise, we put up a little wall. It’s so subtle and so unconscious that we don’t normally notice. It gives us temporary peace. It lets us function as if nothing happened.
Except something has happened, and our partner can feel the walls building up around our heart.
Allowing the walls to build and not facing the issue together with our partner means passing up on an amazing opportunity to learn the source of the issue and explore a new way of being stronger together.
An extraordinary relationship can only be built when partners can tolerate this kind of discomfort together, looking at issues as opportunities for self-discovery and growth and creating that safe container for new solutions to be found by working together towards a common goal.
Extraordinary relationships happen between partners who are willing to grow together to the next consciousness development level, not grow apart from each other because their defenses keep getting bigger.
If you find yourself in perpetual conflict and think you’ve ‘tried everything’, let’s talk.
I may not have ‘the’ answer to your problem, but I can help you find ‘your’ answer.
