Heartbreak has been on my mind for a whole month while I’ve been busy preparing my Heal your Broken Heart Live Master Class (a full day retreat happening on July 16th,2016 totally worth checking out if you (or someone you know!) are struggling with the aftermath of a separation). So no wonder I’ve been thinking about ways I can help people cope with its devastating effects!
One of the things I hear most is that the end always feels like it came out of nowhere, at least for the person who’s getting the bad news.
But does it really?! When you have the courage to really look back without attachment, you find the signs were there all along.
So why do we always feel blindsided when our partner decides to call it quits? Surely no one would want to end a relationship when everything is working perfectly.
If you’ve been dealing with a breakup that took you by surprise – whether recent or at any point in your past – and you are still unable to understand why it all had to end, read on to learn what red flags you might have noticed, if you only cared to look hard enough.
One or more of the answers are clear signs your relationship had possibly outlived its purpose and it was high time you moved on. The sooner you understand and learn to accept these as the real reason you are no longer in that relationship, the easier it will be for you to put it all behind you and start a new life.
Were (are) any of these signs present in your relationship and what could you have done about it?
1. Constant Conflict: ‘All we did was fight’!
When the only shared experience you have as a couple is fighting, things are not looking good. The right kind of arguments are often contributing to the growth of a relationship, as issues are being identified and resolved in a positive manner. However, when things get really bad, merely being in your partner’s presence is nothing but a reason to express your deep anger and disappointment at not having your needs met. If no amount of ‘negotiation’ has been able to find a new answer, you know it’s time to get out. If your fights never found a new solution to the problem, you were just delaying the inevitable.
2. Irreconcilable differences – ‘We no longer had anything in common’
A common ground for dissolution of marriage seen in modern divorce papers, this issue occurs when things you used to share have become the very reasons you disagree on. Relationships are there to help us grow but when each partner grows in a different direction, the writing is on the wall. Different expectations when it comes to time you spend together, the amount of commitment you each put into the relationship or simply how you’re supposed to deal with money are clear indications the time has come to move on and find a new life. Make a list of the things you used to like that turned into reasons for conflict to find another reason to move on.
2. Boredom – ‘I didn’t feel that anything about him excited me anymore’
Although not always directly related to your relationship, boredom and feeling disconnected from your partner are good indications you have lost the excitement that made this relationship worthwhile. The feeling that life is slow and without purpose is not just due to your partner’s failings but if he is no longer your first port of call when looking for relief or a new direction, it’s because your relationship is no longer your most valuable resource. Think long and hard about all the other reasons why you might have experienced these feelings and be sure to exclude them before you decide to go your separate ways.
5. Emotional Distance – ‘We don’t have any meaningful conversations anymore’
What people normally describe as ‘lack of communication’ often has much deeper roots and a more powerful impact. When every interaction with your partner is so superficial that you no longer learn anything new about each other, your relationship has moved to a completely different level. If your partner has ceased to react to your ideas, concerns, interests and they are so disconnected from your life that they could be complete strangers you simply share a house with, things are likely to be beyond hope. Learn from that and be mindful to constantly nurture your connection to avoid coming to this point again.
6. Location changes – ‘We moved to this new place and everything started to go wrong’
Often a physical move – first apartment together, a new house or a new country – can uncover a lot of unnoticed cracks in the relationship. The stress of dealing with changing circumstances can bring to a head conflicting requirements, unmet needs or simply reveal unconscious compromises that are no longer acceptable. As much as we try to ignore these glaring differences, they often spell the end despite our efforts to tell ourselves otherwise. Work on understanding your requirements before you become serious with a new partner so you minimise the impact of unexpected upheavals.
7. Cheating – ‘It was almost a relief when my wife found out I was having an affair. I guess I wanted to get caught”.
Affairs are of course the classic indicator things are not going well in a relationship. Monogamy and sexual bonding are ways we define the importance of our primary relationship, so any type of outside connection (sometimes even only emotional in nature) takes away the very uniqueness of that relationship. Very often, when a relationship has reached the end of the line, we unconsciously want it to end but we don’t know how we can do it without hurting ourselves and the partner. So we allow ourselves to become attracted to people who might give us a way out – even though we don’t even know it. Affairs are simply tools we use to bring about the end of a relationship. If you have felt the attraction of someone else who seemed more interesting, appealing or just plain different, look at what is hiding behind that. You may have been ignoring a significant truth about yourself and this may even come as a surprise to yourself, let alone your partner. If you’ve been on the other side of a love triangle and have ignored clear signs someone else may have been in your partner’s life, have the courage to see those indicators for what they really were – the red flags that were showing you what was really quite plain to see.
8. Couples therapy – “We went to a marriage counsellor because we were not able to communicate with each other anymore’
Counselling or therapy tend to be the last resort for couples who have not been able to solve problems on their own. Both are wonderful methods to deepen the bond in a functional relationship by helping to iron out some kinks and facilitate more intimacy and the development of advanced communications skills. However, both methods also tend to focus primarily on what is already broken and most frequently beyond repair. Sadly, most couples who end up in therapy are already only looking for a way to get out that makes them feel less bad about ending things that were meant to last forever. Because breakups have such a devastating effects on our psyche, the natural desire for a therapist as a mediator gives people a chance to not only communicate the unthinkable to their partner but also to begin the painful process of ending that relationship and moving on themselves.
By now, I am sure you have identified at least one if not more signs that things were not headed in the right direction for your past (or even present?!) relationship, which will help you feel less like it came out of nowhere and allow you to move on and open your heart to new love.
If you want to learn more about how Relationship Coaching can help you deal with the pain of breakups and prepare yourself for a stronger relationship with your future partner please check the Contact page and book a FREE Discovery Session today.
