I recently read a very funny entry on a friend’s blog here whose topic was something like ‘weird reasons to dump a guy” (the original text has a different title and is in Romanian so I hope Google does a good job at translating it. Totally worth a read though!)
Readers’ comments were even funnier, quoting things like sexist jokes, mommy issues, dangerous hobbies or even something as simple as an over-attachment to their beer buddies as the final straw that broke the camel’s back. Some people thought these reasons were silly and portrayed women as overreacting bitches.
The thing is I don’t believe these reasons are silly at all!
Hence the big question:
Is there a good reason to dump someone when their behaviour manages to remove the very powerful pink glasses so natural in the beginning of a relationship?
When something happens that causes such a powerful reaction, it is a sign of something most of us are typically unaware of:
Our relationship requirements (also known as deal breakers).
We usually know our criteria for starting a relationship (attractive, funny, intelligent are the most quoted ones) but we rarely spend time thinking about what are the things that will make us leave that relationship.
In short, requirements are events, attitudes or behaviours without which a relationship cannot continue. They are black or white, there or not there and, most importantly, they are not negotiable. In fact, if they are not present, the relationship cannot exist at all.
This funny tweet describes the way most people approach this process:
You may have a smile on your face at this point but could this be something we should do on purpose?
Trying to uncover those habits, situations or behaviours that might contribute to the failure of our relationship over time and give ourselves a chance to walk out with our head high is a great way to test whether we should dump someone straight away or continue dating them.
Here is the three steps ‘dumping guide’ I put together for the occasion.
- Define your deal breakers
Best way to work out what is likely to make you want to leave a relationship is to go back and review the outcomes of previous romantic experiences. Don’t just focus on relationships that actually happened but think of the most obvious dating disasters you’ve ever had and look for the real reason you never went back.
Did he take you to a party with his friends only to ignore you for the rest of the evening and let you get home by yourself? This shows a blatant lack of respect and disinterest in the relationship, so your effort wasn’t worth it. For most people respect is an obvious requirement but often limiting beliefs related to poor self-esteem can make us stay even when the signs are clear to see.
If you are single at the moment, this will help you screen out your potential dates in a more efficient way. If you are already in a relationship, it’s likely you already have a list of things that annoy you about your partner so beware that you don’t jump to conclusions. Read on before you press the “dump’ button.
Most of us have between 8 to 12 relationships requirements so if your list ends up being as long as your arm, proceed to step 2 to work out what’s what.
2. Identify your needs.
If requirements are ‘deal breakers’, the needs are your ‘must haves’.
By definition they are what is necessary for the relationship to function: how we show affection, our ability to resolve conflicts and a clear definition of roles and responsibilities are things every relationship needs to stay healthy and strong. However they can be satisfied in many different ways.
If your boyfriend must visit his mum every Sunday lunch ‘because she’s really unhappy when she doesn’t see me” you don’t necessarily have to tag along and sulk for the duration. It’s fairly likely your man’s mum is not really that keen on seeing you interupt her special moment with her son. Instead of suffering in silence (and letting this sour your relationship in the long run) negotiate a solution that works for you both. Go visit your own mum instead or spend time catching up with the girls. Keep the in-laws visits for special occasions when everyone can be on their best behaviour.
To work out if something is a dumpable offense, do the ‘can I live with it?’ test on every single one of the items on your list:
‘If x happened is there a way I could accept it without it poisoning my relationship? What would I accept as a possible solution?”.
If the answer is ‘possibly’, you’ve found a need. If the anwer is ‘no way’, chalk it up in the ‘dump immediately’ colum and look for a way out.
3. Test it, test it, test it!
Now that you know your deal breakers, it’s time to work out how to find out if your date is really Mr. Right.
If you are single and simply want to ensure you don’t waste your time with people who are not right for you, just start with your deal breakers list.
What does each of them mean and what are ways you could be checking how they would be satisfied in your relationship?
Remember that sometimes what people say is not always what they believe as it’s natural to want to put our best foot forward when we meet someone we like. So if you must have children to be fulfilled, don’t just ask the guy if he likes children in general. He’ll probably say yes just to get another date:-). Putting him in a situation where you can see him actually interact with children will give you more accurate clues as to his true beliefs.
But what to do if you are already dating Mr. Almost(but not quite)Right?
If you are in a relationship you treasure but there are things you wish to change about him, it’s even more important to know which is which.
It’s normal to make allowances for things that bother us when we first start dating and possibly even more so as time goes by and we feel we’ve invested in that relationship. Things like ‘he didn’t mean to hurt me’ or ‘he loves me really’ are common excuses among domestic abuse victims and, while this is an extreme example of how far this could go, it’s a trap too easy to fall into.
To make sure you always dump someone for the right reason all you have to do is to find ONE deal breaker! Yes indeed! ONLY ONE!
Mr. AlmostRight may only be one short of perfect but that’s not called a deal breaker for nothing.
When you’ve done the ‘can I live with it ‘test and found ONE SINGLE ‘no way ‘answer, it’s time to push the big red button. Your life will turn into hell sooner or later so just save yourself the trouble.
