Many women grow up being told sex is a sin, dirty and not something a good girl does.
This message goes in deep and creates a foundation of beliefs about sex that is detrimental to the enjoyment of pleasure and can literally affect your entire life as an adult.
No one really grows up wanting to be a ‘bad girl’, but some people find that deep pleasure hides exactly in those things that are forbidden. While most people end up enjoying ‘normal’ or ‘vanilla’ sex which is based on sensual touch, kissing, classic sexual positions like missionary or ‘girl on top’, some find true release and surrender in powerplay, dirty talk or BDSM (standing for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism).
You may have read and watched ‘50 Shades of Grey’ and wondered how in the world would anyone put up with that OR you may have found yourself aroused by ‘how wrong’ it all felt….
The foundation of this arousal is the internal conflict between our trained habit of following rules and the urge to explore our instincts. Since sex is one of the most powerful instincts we have, it is no surprise really that both men and women like to explore sex acts that break taboos and go against what people define as ‘normal’.
Exploring whether this space is something that may appeal to you can start with something as basic as the way you talk about sex. The concept of ‘dirty talk’ is a common misnomer which creates a lot of fear and awkwardness in the bedroom. ‘How do I even start?’ “What am I supposed to say?’ Calling it ‘dirty’ makes it sounds like it should not be done, that it’s breaking unwritten rules of how to ‘be a good girl’.
All it means, it’s actually communication. We use language to define and describe our reality, to share with others how we feel so they ‘get us’.
In the context of a sexual encounter, how we express ourselves can enhance or kill the mood, it can intensify the connection and sexual tension or completely freeze everything off.
What if ‘dirty talk’ was just ‘bedroom talk’? A way to connect better, to explore and experience more pleasure and discover that sex is really a beautiful gift and not a curse or a chore we have to submit to.
Telling your partner what you want to do to them, how you will give them pleasure, and what you would love them to do to you is the foundation of opening up and creating a safe space to connect and bond. Whatever words you use, allow the intensity of your desire to show in the tone of your voice, the body language, the eye contact… as simple as a whisper and or way you breathe.
If you find the idea of completely surrendering control and responsibility arousing and exciting, explore that with your partner by giving them explicit permission and discuss the things you would like to try. To avoid misunderstandings and things getting out of hand, agree on a safe word (that is not ‘no’, but something very unlikely to be used in that context life a color or a fruit).
Keep the communication going throughout by encouraging your partner to continue with the things that work. “I really love it when you call me that’ or ‘It feels so good when you touch me there’.
Once this foundation is established and you feel you can trust your partner to give you pleasure (and sometimes pain if that’s what feels good!), gently push your boundaries by introducing further words and actions that you want to experiment with.
Reverse roles if you want to check how it feels being in charge and calling the shots but make sure you focus as much on getting consent and align with your partner on the way the experience will go.
And don’t forget to have fun and give yourself permission to love sex.