“You always leave your socks on the floor!” …“You never listen to me!”

Have you ever been in an argument where your partner threw out words like “always” and “never” and you just exploded?

These seemingly small words can be like grenades in a relationship, destroying any chance of a productive conversation. They create defensiveness, escalate conflict, and leave both partners feeling unheard and misunderstood.

They also indicate that we have already interpreted the situation in our minds, which can feel like an irreversible (and possibly unfair) judgment.

Why “Always” and “Never” Are So Damaging:

• Generalizations: These words paint with a broad brush, erasing any nuance or exceptions. They create an inaccurate and unfair portrayal of reality by deleting all other instances when a particular event didn’t happen and distorting all the times it did to mean this is the rule.
• Blame and Criticism: “Always” and “never” often imply blame and criticism, making the other person feel attacked and invalidated. It is normal to feel inadequate if we hear that everything we do causes pain and problems for the other person.
• Escalation: These words tend to escalate conflict, turning a minor disagreement into a major battleground. What was, in our minds, an isolated incident completely justifiable in the circumstances becomes a character assassination that impacts our self-esteem and status in the relationship.
• Disconnection: Instead of deepening our understanding and connection of and with each other, they create distance and resentment.

How to Avoid the “Always” and “Never” Trap:

1. Be Mindful of Your Language: Words can inflict a lot of pain. In conflict, they can be very sharp, lethal weapons. Pay attention to your words, especially during heated moments and take a breath before you throw such accusations at your partner. If you notice yourself using “always” or “never,” take a pause and rephrase your statement. Ask yourself “What story am I telling myself about this situation that may not be entirely accurate and how can I challenge or revisit this pattern?”.

2. Focus on Specifics: Instead of generalizations, provide specific examples of the behaviour that’s bothering you. “I noticed you left your socks on the floor this morning” is more constructive than “You always leave your socks on the floor.” It can also be helpful to communicate the unmet need for order that may be why you are feeling irritated, so you and your partner can agree on a win-win outcome.

3. Use “I” Statements: Express your feelings and needs without blaming or criticizing your partner. “I feel frustrated when I see your socks on the floor because it makes me feel like our space isn’t respected” is more effective than “You always make a mess.”

4. Practice Active Listening: Truly listen to your partner’s perspective, even if you don’t agree with it. Try to understand their underlying needs and emotions.

5. Take Breaks When Needed: If the conversation gets too heated, take a break and come back to it when you’re both calmer.

By avoiding the “always” and “never” trap, you can create a more positive and productive communication pattern in your relationship. This allows for deeper understanding, greater empathy, and a stronger connection with your partner.

You also don’t need to do this alone.

You can join my free Conflict Resolution Mastery webinar “Fight Less, Love More’ on March 3 at 7 PM HKT to learn more about top communication mistakes and how to correct them.

Register here.