The first three dates can truly determine the future of your relationship! Did you know that?
You may think it’s because you’ve heard you have to wait that long until you should consider saying ‘yes’ to sex. This is most likely a myth created to tell women how to behave around sex to maintain a certain level of respectability.
It is not why I am an advocate of waiting.
I do believe that, in this day and age, it is truly up to you when you chose to get sexually involved with someone. It all depends on what you are trying to achieve.
The main reason the first three dates are critical is simply because waiting this long can help create a deeper connection. If you you are looking for a committed relationship, meeting a few times before you sleep together allows you to develop a relationship based on compatibility instead of pure chemistry. (See here why this is not such a good idea).
The beginning of a beautiful friendship?
The way you manage the first three dates can be wonderful opportunity to get to know each other intellectually and emotionally before you let your hormones lead the way. By exploring your view of the world, your interests, dreams and passions, you can open the door to more intimacy and mutual understanding. This really can only lead to better sex and more chance of a real long-term relationship, if that’s what you are after.
I work with many women who struggle with boundaries (that means saying ‘no’ especially when there is sexual attraction). I noticed there is a need for clarity on what can be done so that the date is not a flash in the pan or a disappointing experience.
How do you handle the First Date to ensure there is another and another one after that?
Research shows that the no. 1 reason people don’t move past a first date is because the date was boring. (You can read the other reasons here).
Why? Because we try to be on our best behaviour, we are not willing to take any risks and reveal anything interesting about ourselves. We also have incredibly high expectations and we assign so much meaning to that first date!
‘What does it mean if the man wants to kiss me? And what does it mean if he doesn’t? Should I wait for him to text me or should I follow up?’
Most of these questions come from our insecurity and our lack of understanding of what we are actually looking for when we date.
So here comes the first bomb!
The only objective of a first date is to decide if there should be another!
Yes, you read this right! You don’t need to decide if this man is boyfriend or marriage material right then. You basically know too little about him to make up your mind. You only need to say ‘Yes, he’s nice enough for me to want to get to know him better’. Or not!
The basic factors
- Timing: Meet for no more than 30 to 45 minutes and ensure your date knows you have plans after that. This is a good exit strategy in case things are not going well.
- Venue: A quick coffee or walk in the park during the day are your best bets because they are non-committal and don’t require a big financial or time investment.
- Discussion topics: Learn basic information about your date and share enough about yourself to let them know you are interested in a deeper connection. Try not to talk too much about work or weather but focus on interests, dreams and passions. What you are trying to establish is if you have enough in common to warrant a second date.
Taking it to the next level
- Keep it interesting: We become more interesting to someone else when we are interested in what they have to say. Don’t be afraid to ask questions but be careful not to sound like you’re interviewing them. This means for every piece of information they give you, you share something equally personal about yourself. Don’t forget to be yourself, be fun and flirty and make each other laugh if you share a common sense of humour.
- What to look for: Assuming you know what makes someone your perfect partner, assess if there is enough in common with this person to want to find out more. Be clear on your own requirements and gently verify these in the conversation. (If you don’t know your requirements book a Free Discovery Session with me right here)
- How to end it if it’s a ‘no’: If the date doesn’t meet your basic criteria, practice your ability to say ‘no’ to what you don’t want. Don’t be afraid to say this isn’t working for you at the end of the date ( ghosting is never a good idea). It’s always good to make sure you are doing it politely and gently.
- What if it’s a ‘yes’?: If you’d like to see this person again, say so! Get their number or agree on a fun activity to do for your next meeting. It may be taking them on your favorite secret hike or invite them to your photography club. Whatever it is, you want to make sure you have established a mutual interest.
Then just say good bye and leave. It’s always nice to thank your partner for their time, whether or not you will see them again. It is the polite thing to do.
Stay tuned for tips for dates 2 and 3 in the next few days!
Meanwhile, if you have thoughts or questions just leave me a comment or send me a private message!