They say a woman’s biggest sex organ is the brain.
When you think about it, it is absolutely true that a great sexual experience starts in the head. In most cultures, sex education is either fear-based or completely non-existent so many women struggle to fully enjoy physical pleasure. Usually, that’s because they spend too much of a sexual encounter worrying about a whole set of different issues. From worries about their looks to a complete focus on pleasing their partners, women often miss out on the fact that sex is all about connection and creating a shared space of intimacy.
‘What if he doesn’t find me attractive?’
Just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to self-confidence and negative thoughts about our body image, this worry points directly to our deep-seated limiting belief that we are not good enough. The truth is, when sex is on the menu, men have already decided they are attracted to you. All they focus on is how to give you more pleasure. Stop these negative thoughts with a simple affirmation like: “I am a beautiful woman and I allow myself the pleasure of this moment’. To prove to yourself this is real, pay attention to his body language: if you get out of your own head you will notice all he’s looking at is your face to make sure he can read you and connect with you better.
‘Will he think I am too inexperienced?’
In the absence of appropriate educational sources, many people turn to pornography to try to make sense of what they are supposed to do in the bedroom. While doing this, they are forgetting that most porn is made for entertainment, not education. While when meeting a new partner, there is always a chance of an experience gap, creating a sexual connection is much more about being open, generous and mindful of the partner’s needs rather than being able to perform certain set tasks. So the antidote to lack of experience is an open mind and a willingness to explore and enjoy whatever happens.
‘How do I tell him I want to use protection?’
If you were discussing where to go for dinner, would you have trouble telling your date what you don’t eat? It is surprising how many people skip the ‘protection conversation’ and find it awkward to communicate their boundaries around sex. Beyond the fact that using protection should be a given in the Tinder age, discussing what you are comfortable with and what is literally out of bounds is a fundamental requirement for any relationship. Not to mention discussing sexual likes and dislikes can be a real turn on and can create a lot of anticipation. Learn to make this conversation fun and you will never struggle with setting clear boundaries.
‘This really isn’t doing anything for me, but I don’t want to hurt his ego’
Believe it or not ladies, men do not have a map to your body and every woman has her own buttons. So guide him along. It may help to remember that positive reinforcement is a much better way of communicating than barking ‘not like that’ or ‘what in the world are you doing down there”. Make sure to give him plenty of verbal encouragement when he does get something right and use your non-verbal cues (moans, gasps and body movements) to tell him he Is on the right track. It is perfectly fine to interrupt something that’s not working by suggesting a new position or simply saying ‘OMG I’m dying to kiss you right now’ (assuming he is a good kisser of course).
‘Am I taking too long? He’s been down there for ages…!’
Performance anxiety is the main reason both men and women struggle with sexual enjoyment. As our thoughts literally create our physical experience, when we are so focused on what is not happening, we are simply denying ourselves the possibility of good sex. Embrace how your body is responding in that moment instead of telling it how it should feel. Focus your attention on the waves of pleasure a man’s touch creates in your body rather than worry about his thoughts. Most people derive a lot of pleasure from pleasing their partner so tell him (and yourself!) how good he is making you feel and just go with the flow. After all, sex is about the experience not about the orgasm so allow yourself to just be in that moment without any judgement or pressure.
You can read the Chinese version of this article in the July edition of Marie Claire Hong Kong: