Have you ever heard of ‘the pleasure gap’?
Research has shown that when it comes to casual sex, men reach climax in 90% of their sexual encounters. While just above 50% of women do the same. While we know sex is definitely not about orgasm, this difference points to a significant lack of balance in our sex lives. I feel this phenomenon deserves a lot more attention.
At first glance, the numbers above may not make much sense. If we’re all in this together, how come men declare themselves satisfied with 9 out of 10 sexual encounters but women tend to leave half of these events wishing for more?
Let’s take a look at why so many women settle for a lot less then they deserve in the bedroom.
1. Double standards
- In today’s world, men are educated to seek multiple sexual partners and are usually rewarded for it. A man’s list of romantic conquests is often a badge of honour and the more names on the list, the higher the social status. Women, on the other hand, are taught to value their virginity and virtue. Many of us stress over what is an acceptable number of lovers to admit to. This contrasting attitude to sexuality has a direct impact on how much women allow themselves to experience pleasure.
- If you are one of these women struggling to reconcile your desires with what society thinks of you, remember that most men would prefer a confident experienced lover who knows her way around in the bedroom vs a shy virgin. So let yourself enjoy the experience without judgement or worry. Ultimately you are having sex for your pleasure so make sure to claim it every single time.
2. Body confidence or lack thereof
- Many women struggle with self-esteem in many areas of their lives. For some, the thought of being naked with the lights on is a very anxiety-provoking experience. Anxiety and orgasms clearly don’t go well together so if all you can think about when in bed with a man is whether your breasts look too small or too saggy, the chances of you having a great time are greatly reduced.
- The key to enjoying sex is really to let go of self-judgment. Try focusing all your attention on the way it feels when you kiss and touch your partner. Next time you are in bed, try getting fully in touch with your body. Use your breath to connect and feel really present, focusing on the internal experience rather than what you look like from the outside. Feel rather than think. Experience rather than judge. Acknowledge the sensations of each skin contact. Enjoy the shivers of each kiss and focus on how the pleasure rises in your body until you don’t even remember that there was a time when you were worried about your looks.
3. Fear of intimacy and losing control
- Sex is one of the most intimate experiences we can possibly go through and many women worry about what this intimacy can lead to. First is, of course, the fear of being naked and not being good enough. Then comes the worry about how your body reacts to the arousal process. It seems some women feel the need to apologize for being ‘too wet’ – clearly due to self-judgement and possibly a limiting belief that women are not supposed to actually enjoy sex. The ultimate fear of intimacy is women who cannot enjoy the closeness of oral sex which involves a higher degree of comfort with your body than penetration. Constantly worrying about things literally is the biggest block to pleasure.
- Next time you are in bed, put all these worries aside and just focus on going with the flow, without goal or worries and see where this will take you.