You’re married! Now what?

Many people dream their entire life of finding that perfect partner who will make them magically and irreversibly happy.


Some even meet someone who looks like their very own Prince Charming and seems to do everything right. Yes, there are some things that are a little bothersome but in the heat of passion and the excitement of having found ‘The One’, these details are passed off as ‘endearing quirks’ and ignored because, after all ‘love conquers all’, doesn’t it?


One dream wedding and a couple of kids down the line, they wake up one day and realize they barely know the person they share their life with, and all those hopes of living happily ever after are faced with a cold hard dose of reality.


Where has all that magic gone, they ask?


The problem with this approach is that it ignores a fundamental aspect of what makes relationships work in the long run – compatibility.


The telltale signs of compatibility are the ability to collaborate and work towards a common goal, resolving conflicts as they arise and ultimately learning and growing together.


Essentially, if you are not growing together the only other option is growing apart.


Yet how many of us really sit down with a partner in the beginning of a relationship and explicitly agree on goals and a vision, create a path and a plan for our life?


Whether you have just started seeing someone or have been with a partner for a long time, here are 3 questions you can reflect on to help you reconnect and realign your goals.


  1. What do I really appreciate about my partner and relationship that I could not live without and how am I showing that to my partner?

The main reason many couples lose the intimacy and connection they share in the beginning is the complacency that comes with commitment. Once we know we have that person’s love and attention, we often get distracted by ‘life’ and forget to show appreciation for the wonderful gift their love is. Make it a regular practice of sharing with each other those little things that you love and cherish. Pay them compliments, do sweet little things they like, be genuinely curious about what’s going on in their life.  Don’t forget to share as many moments of physical connection as possible so that your bodies remember the bond you have.


  1. How do I want our relationship to look like in 10/20 years?

It is said we are the creators of our reality and if you really think about your life that way you will see there is a lot of truth in that. However, many of us are not really conscious of what we are creating. By only focusing on the daily struggle and our endless to-do lists, we ignore the incredible potential of choosing our life path with full conscious intention. Most couples go as far as visualizing their future as a family, raising children, and accomplishing professional goals. Very few actually take the time to create a common vision for their relationship. The outcome? Each partner ends up following a different direction, literally pursuing different goals or simply letting others drag them in all directions. Take time to discuss with your partner what your perfect life would look like and explore how you can ensure you get exactly what you want.


  1. How can I learn more about myself that will help me connect better with my partner right now?

All experiences contain lessons and our life partners are there to help us learn and grow. Make it a habit of using your partner as a sounding board by sharing your struggles and worries and listening to theirs in return. This creates that deep sense of intimacy we get from knowing we are not alone and there is someone there who has our back no matter how tough things may be.

Read this article (and more) in Hong Kong Living Magazine