‘What are we?’ – Clarifying your relationship status is not really that hard

In the old days, relationships were simple.

Boy meets girl, they like each other. They go for a walk or a coffee date and pretty much they’re in a relationship. Sex was off the agenda until marriage until just a few decades ago.  All lovers needed to worry about was getting to know each other and making sure they kept their reputations intact (yes, Bridgerton I’m looking at you 😁).

Review: 'Bridgerton' Is a Sparkly Period Piece With a Difference - The New York Times

All it took was sometimes a dance!

Dating in the 21st century is a lot more complicated. The real 50 shades of grey come in the many subtle nuances we use to define the different types of modern love connections.

From randoms sliding into your DM’s to one-time hook-ups with Tinder strangers, casual sex-buddies you meet just for sex whenever it’s convenient, or ‘upgrading’ to a FWB (friend with benefits) that may turn into a real relationship if you both decide you want more, the modern world of dating is confusing and prone to many heartbreaks and misunderstandings.

That’s why for many people the ‘What are we’ conversation gets really complicated.

We are designed to want to be chosen. Romantic love is nothing but the ‘irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired’ so when we meet someone we like, it’s only natural we start building a fantasy around that connection. But things are not always as they seem (or as we imagine them).

Here are 3 signs the person you are dating is in just for sex, so it’s time to adjust your expectations:

WYD? Text bubble" by caj89 | Redbubble

They hit you up for late-night booty calls.


1. They only get in touch when they want something from you.

That something is usually some sort of sexual stimulation. Sometimes it’s just getting validation you are still thinking of them or looking to arrange your next sexual encounter. While it’s natural to want sex and intimacy when you are attracted to someone, if you want to build a deeper emotional connection and all they want to do is sext maybe it’s time to move on.

To test this, pay attention to the quality of your interactions over time.

Do you initiate most conversations just to keep the momentum going?

Do you find yourself thinking up excuses just to have a reason to text him?

Are all his messages just asking for your attention and energy and not giving anything back?

If the answer to any of these is ‘yes’ don’t bother asking where this is going.

🅱️ 25+ Best Memes About Give Me Attention Meme | Give Me Attention Memes

2. They don’t show much interest in what’s happening in your life.

Maybe you like to tell yourself that they are busy and important. You may even feel flattered they make time in their busy day to hit you up with a text (even when it’s after 10 pm). Make sure you pull the veil off your eyes and notice these texts rarely ask you how you’re doing or what’s happening in your life. If he is never curious about your interests and friends and all you do is rearrange your schedule to fit his, you are not doing yourself any favors by staying in this relationship.

Free Photo | Young couple in bed using smartphones

3. No cuddles or affection after sex.

Desire is a powerful aphrodisiac. When someone is showing us a lot of interest it’s easy to imagine that is love. Remember that lust and love are not quite the same thing and one can exist without the other.

Romantic love and attachment create a physical bond between the partners that means in the beginning you will not be able to keep your hands off each other, before and after sex. If your partner suddenly turns cold once his desire is satisfied, it’s smarter to assume he is not in for the long run, so cool things off before you fall in too deeply.


I’m Valentina Tudose,
Hong Kong’s Number 1 Relationship Coach


Your Ideal Love Match:
Your Personal Blueprint to Happiness