Let’s talk about talking about sex

How often do you talk about sex with your partner?

It’s a well-known fact that many people have very unsatisfying sex lives. Sadly! In part, because they treat it as the ‘unspeakable’ so they never know what they can do better and how whatever they are doing is impacting their partner.

Some research studies show a whopping 69% of Hong Kongers report little to no bedroom satisfaction, due to both low frequency as well as quality of sexual interaction.

One of the key reasons for this could be lack of self-awareness about what one actually needs to experience pleasure, as well as an inability to communicate about this topic.


So let’s talk about talking about sex.

Embarrassment and fear of being seen as promiscuous stops many couples from discussing their sexual desires and fantasies at the beginning of relationships. Women are told to hold off sex until a commitment is made, following the old mindset of ‘treat them mean, keep them keen’. Men who want to be seen as serious and reliable are reticent to start this conversation for fear of coming across as ‘sex-obsessed’.

It does not get any better once they are committed either!

The net result is a lack of intimacy and connection, incorrect assumptions and high expectations that somehow the other partner should ‘just know what we want’.

People often wonder why their sex drive disappears quickly after going exclusive – sometimes no longer than a couple of months. The answer is: for desire to last a long time past the honeymoon period, sex needs to be good and exciting each time you connect.


How do you make that happen?

It all starts with some basic changes in mindset.

Relationship compatibility and sexual compatibility are NOT the same thing. Many assume that if they get on outside of the bedroom, success is guaranteed. While spending time getting to know each other at the beginning of a relationship is critical for emotional and intellectual connection, it is also important to check sexual compatibility. Taking a test drive, so to speak!

Couple making out

Check your sexual chemistry before you commit


Sex is as natural and necessary as eating so why not talk about it in the same way?

When you meet someone new, your first conversations will be all about getting to know each other enough to determine if they may be a suitable match. More often than not people would talk about food preferences and maybe what they like to do for fun to establish some common ground, while cautiously avoiding topics that may sound too intimate.


Couple eating on a date

Talk about sex like you talk about food preferences


There is obviously a time and a place to ask about more personal details but once the basics are out of the way, it’s definitely time to go a little deeper.


Start with a conversation about what makes a successful intimate relationship.

Here are some questions to ask:

  1. What is your ideal balance between mental and physical connection? (This means how much you value compatibility vs chemistry)

  2. What are your intimacy deal breakers (safe sex, likes and dislikes)?( Very important to establish at the beginning of a relationship the go’s and no go’s as this is a great pointer of incompatibility)

  3. How much do you like to cuddle (incidentally this is a better indicator of relationship longevity than sex frequency)?

When the answers to these questions match your idea of fun and you already established your match is not too shy to talk about this matter, it’s a good indication the relationship is off to a good start.

If you are in a committed relationship and have no idea how to talk about sex, a good place to start is by taking the time to share what the experience was like for you just after being intimate. Cuddling and talking about the most significant moments of that encounter is a great opportunity to learn what each of you can do better and explore fantasies and desires that can be satisfied in the future.

Keep up this good habit as you get to know each other better with each experience, explore fantasies and erotic scenarios you may like to try and remind each other sex is meant to be all about pleasure and fun not stress and restrictions.


This article was also published in Chinese in Marie Claire magazine, Read it here.


I’m Valentina Tudose,
Hong Kong’s Number 1 Relationship Coach


Your Ideal Love Match:
Your Personal Blueprint to Happiness